Rich Fruit Christmas Cake

Written by Jonnyboy

A heart-warming tale of ingredients, alcohol and fun for all the family.

Now read on...

You will need;

8 oz flour
6 oz butter
6 oz brown sugar
4 medium eggs
1 bottle red wine

500g dried fruit (any combination of currants, sultanas and raisins that you have)
50-100g mixed peel
100-200g glace cherries (halved)
50-100g chopped walnuts or almonds
(above three quantities vary depending upon your favourites but aim for about 300g in total)
1 bottle white wine
1 teaspoon each of nutmeg, cinnamon and mixed spice
1-2 tablespoons black treacle
Grated rind of 1 lemon and 1 orange
1 packet nurofen or similar
1-3 children who believe in the threat of Santa. Teenagers are not acceptable substitutes.


Open wine, breath deeply (you, not the wine).

Clear the decks (not deck the halls).

Call children to kitchen. Calm children/remove lightsabers, weapons etc.

Pull chairs around worktop, let children climb to unsafe working height.

Pick up fallen child, administer additional present promises and/or plasters.

Cream together butter, sugar and rinds.

Add eggs with a tablespoon of flour per egg and mix in (remove shell from bowl first).

Take large glug of wine, threaten children. Clean up egg mess from around bowl and add additional egg if spillage warrants.

Add all remaining ingredients except flour and stir in, allow children to take turns. Explain to children what taking turns actually means, explain again, take large glug of wine. Add spilled cake mix back into bowl.

Add remaining flour and stir in gently.

Shout ‘gently’ repeatedly at children, threaten that Santa may die when he eats this cake if they don’t take their hands out of it.

Check consistency of cake, if too dry then loosen with milk or brandy

Take quiet slurp of brandy whilst kids aren’t looking.

Admire mess in kitchen, cry quietly to yourself.

Pull self together, line and butter a square or round cake tin.

Add mixture to tin, bake in preheated (you didn’t read this all the way through first?) oven at 150 deg for approx 4 hours or until a skewer comes out clean (from cake, not child).

Remove cake from tin, place upside down in a tin, pierce a few times and feed regularly with brandy until Christmas (both of you).

Clean up mess, finish wine, resolve to shop at M&S next year.

(Part two: ‘’The Icing Wars’’ to follow)

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